No matter what a picture showed, with a doctor who only seemed interested in the payment coming from my insurance and not in me as a person or actually getting better and getting back to a “normal life”, I was over it. Walking began New Years, and that was that. I am going to stand, I am going to walk with my head up, I am so sick of being a broken man. Time in and out, we will let things hold us down, let outside variables effect our entire being. These variables have an effect, like in math and science, but the difference here is we can decide what that effect is. So without a solid opinion from a medic I decided it was time to get back on. Get it together kid, time to be tuff.
Getting back on isn’t easy at first, there is almost equally as much battle mentally in pushing to move forward as there is in letting it hold you down. Your mind often races back to what happened. Friends and acquaintances alike ask what the deal is with it all, then quickly give their opinion which with respect for them you smile and listen but doing what you feel is best without fail always supersedes this. And all you know is how you feel and what you want, but pushing to try to get back to it only adds frustration, the circumstances have changed and there is no way to just jump back to what it was. It takes work and patience let it work out how it will. Slowly strength in my fingers began to come back. Slowly movement on the wall began to feel better.
On a rainy weekend I ventured back to the New, my good friend Hans joined me for this trip that would consist of 2 pitches total for the whole weekend. I knew the weather was going to be bad, I knew very little climbing would happen; it was all about making peace with the gorge again. She had not received the respect she had deserved and I was there to give what was due, nothing more. As I sat at the top of Legacy a super classic of the area I took deep breathes, and looked out at her. The wind blew hard as the grey clouds over head swirled. I embraced my small presence within her and found an ease it that. I had been scared though out the climb, and this would work its way out of my system but only in due time.
Each climb notched became a little easier; every pitch was a small victory. My stomach lost its knots, and regained butterflies. But I still could not bring myself to attempt to share myself with her I was still scared. A route had me by the balls. I told myself November 1st she would be mine, the day came and went, it rained she was un-open for even an attempt. In retrospect this was good, I wasn’t ready and neither was she. But re-intrigued by her unwillingness to be negotiated with, I was full on reeled in but afraid to tell anyone….
Thank you for reading I am sorry I have been gone for so long, life is busy…but fun…I hope you enjoyed this chapter and look forward to the next.
NTVS
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