Pulling back on, getting it togeather

No matter what a picture showed, with a doctor who only seemed interested in the payment coming from my insurance and not in me as a person or actually getting better and getting back to a “normal life”, I was over it.  Walking began New Years, and that was that.  I am going to stand, I am going to walk with my head up, I am so sick of being a broken man.  Time in and out, we will let things hold us down, let outside variables effect our entire being.  These variables have an effect, like in math and science, but the difference here is we can decide what that effect is.  So without a solid opinion from a medic I decided it was time to get back on.  Get it together kid, time to be tuff.

Getting back on isn’t easy at first, there is almost equally as much battle mentally in pushing to move forward as there is in letting it hold you down.  Your mind often races back to what happened.  Friends and acquaintances alike ask what the deal is with it all, then quickly give their opinion which with respect for them you smile and listen but doing what you feel is best without fail always supersedes this.  And all you know is how you feel and what you want, but pushing to try to get back to it only adds frustration, the circumstances have changed and there is no way to just jump back to what it was.  It takes work and patience let it work out how it will.  Slowly strength in my fingers began to come back.  Slowly movement on the wall began to feel better. 

On a rainy weekend I ventured back to the New, my good friend Hans joined me for this trip that would consist of 2 pitches total for the whole weekend.  I knew the weather was going to be bad, I knew very little climbing would happen; it was all about making peace with the gorge again.  She had not received the respect she had deserved and I was there to give what was due, nothing more.  As I sat at the top of Legacy a super classic of the area I took deep breathes, and looked out at her.  The wind blew hard as the grey clouds over head swirled.  I embraced my small presence within her and found an ease it that.  I had been scared though out the climb, and this would work its way out of my system but only in due time.

Each climb notched became a little easier; every pitch was a small victory.  My stomach lost its knots, and regained butterflies.  But I still could not bring myself to attempt to share myself with her I was still scared.  A route had me by the balls.  I told myself November 1^st she would be mine, the day came and went, it rained she was un-open for even an attempt.  In retrospect this was good, I wasn’t ready and neither was she.  But re-intrigued by her unwillingness to be negotiated with, I was full on reeled in but afraid to tell anyone….

Thank you for reading I am sorry I have been gone for so long, life is busy…but fun…I hope you enjoyed this chapter and look forward to the next.

NTVS    

Back to the Story: Surgery and Recovery

The remainder of the day and its events are all really a bit of a blur now.  When my memory comes to all I know was that I awoke, my father and another were at my side.  And as much as I welcomed the care that came all I could think of was something that was distant, inside I was distraught by this but never dared to express it for fear of hurting feelings.  You should always express yourself fully, holding things back just to keep from hurting someone is at the core, wronging them and yourself everyone deserves more.  I spent 3 days in this room, Numb from the drugs injected through my IV.  Talk about stir crazy; I went from climbing, swimming and bouncing from school to work to the New and just in general being a super active person to the flat of my back in a hospital in West Virginia.  It was almost as if I had been sucker punched, and knocked flat out.  In these 3 days I left the room once in a wheel chair being allowed to look out the window of the hospital because of the fits I had been throwing from being so couped up.  I now understand what it would be like to be a wild animal forced into captivity; let’s just say it is enough to make even the most beautiful being very unattractive on the inside. 

And at the same time I when I was released, even the first breath of “fresh” air felt different, the war within had really just begun.  I had been off morphine for the first time almost 80hrs and the pressure that I had been feeling in my leg had turned to agonizing pain; I have only felt this hurt one other time.  Its funny how this pain really feels, this was almost like because I knew I was getting ready deal with this for a time that at that point was unsure the pain had increased 10 fold.  And as my Dad drove me home, through the Mountains back to the city, the awe of it all began to engulf me.  Due to the severity of my break, and the amount of time that my bone was exposed to the air, I ran an extremely high risk of infection.  My doctors suggested that the couch, bed, and class in a wheel chair should be the only things I do. 

As I arrived back at the house in Richmond, with my crutches, wheelchair and leg full of staples my biggest task each day began crutching blocks to class after I quickly ousted the idea of being in a wheel chair.  The whole thing quickly became a sort of social experiment for me.  People look at you different when you are in a wheel chair, maybe it was just my pride that I was letting get the best of me, but they try to help you even when you don’t need it and give looks of pity, these don’t help the psyche of the individual in the chair I felt like an inferior being and quickly transitioned back to crutches this way at least I could look people in the eye, even if the level of blood flow it created caused throbbing pain.

Every week for a month I went to a doctor who gave me this crazy shot or took a sample making sure that there was no infection inside my leg.  For 4 week I asked “how long do you think I will be on crutches?” how I craved to stand on 2 feet.  Even if I could do this just to take a shower, baths made me feel so childish and needy, however this may have been me taking the small things a little harder than I should have.  One day about 6 weeks in, I got my first peep out of him about recovery, in a deep Middle Eastern Accent “Ze healing it looks good, ze bone its almost reconnected”.  “Can you give me around about when I might be able to walk again?” I quickly responded with the first sign of any good news.  “Noo, it iz to hard to zay”.  Bummed, I headed back down the elevator back to the street corner to await my pick up.  My living situation was improving I was figuring out how to get in and out of my loft bed easier, stairs were a cake walk and I found myself asking for less help form the girls I live with, who were awesome supporters of me throughout all of this.  Just in case any of you are reading, THANK YOU VERY MUCH YOU ALL ARE AWSOME! 

One morning I awoke and needed to bathe, for some reason this morning I was more frustrated and unwilling to give than others, I crawled out of my loft bed ignored my crutches grabbed my towel and painfully limped the 30 feet to the shower.  As I stood and felt the water begin to spritz over my body, it was as if I could finally see myself again as the grime was washing off my body and I was standing in pride.  I finished my shower limped to my room, stood as I dressed and decided today was the day I was going to start climbing again, of course I took precautions I wore my black boot of death (the brace which stunk of dead skin that I had been forced to where from day one when the swelling did not allow them to cast me) and I climbed with only one foot.  By the end of the day I had a new project an orange 10+ at the gym one footed and after not climbing for more than 6 weeks I was stoked.

Two weeks later I went to the doctor again, oh yes my favorite place.  They x-rayed me and I sat and waited, the nurse came in and pulled up my pictures on the screen in the room.  As soon as the door shut behind her I was off the bed and looking at the pictures.  I had high aspirations for my healing, and was looking to get a definite time that I could start physical therapy, and with New Year’s Eve just around the corner I more than ever wanted to stand on 2 feet and kiss the girl who I had fallen so hard for just before my accident.  This was a new experience for me as well, I had gone through the learning of young love before, but this was different from the first time I danced with her I was lost in the island in her eye and unable to understand the feelings between the two of us I wanted nothing more than to hold her hand as we walked together on the eve of the new year, and to stand close and give the cliché first kiss of the new year…….BUT this is all a very different story or is it J.  As I stared at the picture on the screen it was obvious, my shit was still broken.  I could see the rod, the bone growing around it and more distinctively the space between the two pieces that where not quite meeting around the rod.  I had been a broken man walking.

Patience is something I have never embraced well.  And even now with my current situation I work hard to breathe and know that stepping back and waiting for it to heal is a better decision.  Re-asses and plan it out, steer yourself don’t let you emotions win for today this is our Lesson.  So learn from me, time that feels lost isn’t always such, reinvest yourself in reflection in times like these, be patient look over everything, gain a better perception, will it all be ok? Probably but being restless here will only hurt more, and possibly close doors.

 

The Intermission…An Opportunity for a New Experience…SCS Nationals

This past weekend I had the wonderful opportunity to go to the SCS Adult Open Nationals, to climb and compete against people that I have looked up to in climbing for some time now.  Since I racing dirt bikes as a youngster this was the first real competitive thing I have been involved with, and it was one of the most rad experiences I have had a chance to be a part of.  First and Foremost I would like to thank Peak Experiences Indoor Rock Climbing Center, for the last 5 years now this place has been a huge part of my life and they single handedly gave me the chance to be at this event.  Please check them out, Peak Experiences or on Peak's FaceBook Page.....Once you come to this place, your family forever, and that's what makes it so special, THANK YOU GUYS FOR YOUR SUPPORT, I am lucky to be a part of your Family. 

The weekend started with a pretty seamless plane ride half way across the US to Denver where I jumped on a bus to Boulder, Colorado where the event was being held at Movement Climbing and Fitness.   I took a short walk through town to my hotel where after checking in was reminded of just how beautiful of a place this is when I peered out of my hotel window and stood on the balcony.

In the grand scheme of things I haven’t really been climbing for that long, but in the past 5 years I have had a good number of climbing days, in a good number of different areas and gyms.  But this was different; nothing to this point could have prepared me for this first date.  It was like a date with someone you have been around a few times, and have been awestruck by their presence each time, then suddenly somehow find yourself sitting across the table from them, just the two of you.  I walked into Isolation through the back door, chatting with a friend of mine Magnus, who is a seasoned vet with this type of thing and helped easy my nerves as we just chatted awaiting our turns to climb. 

 

This was not my first time in Isolation; I have been coaching Peak’s Team for the last 3+ years and have spent some long days behind the curtains with the kids.  But being on that side of the curtain is a little different when you are walking out to do the climbing, let’s just say that I have a completely new level of respect for these kids now, they are truly tuff cookies to pull it together and preform on the regular YOU GUYS ARE MY NEW INSPIRATION, YOU KILL IT!!  As soon as I walked out I felt as though I was sweating bullets, this was easily the most people I have ever climbed in front of.  I sat in the chair for the first route and started breathing as slow and regular as I possibly could, talking to myself in my mind, relax it just a route all you can do is take it move by move, you’ve done this before.  I stood tied in, pulled my shoes on and felt calm, this conscious breathing was working.  As I worked my way through the first route with each move I became less shaky and even felt myself smile after sticking the small dyno to a huge rest jug.  I shook out looked up and realized that was it, their wasn’t going to be anymore resting till the top.  I did some more moves and pumped off as soon as I fell, I was bummed.  The scorer said as I landed on the pads, “nice job, that’s a really hard route”.  In my mind he was just being really nice, I thought since it was the first route that I would have done a little better, and this is where I let my head get the best of me.  Sitting in the second chair I struggled to find that same breathing pace, but I was having a hard time mentally overcoming what felt was an ill performance.  This was the wrong attitude, with a new task so close at hand the only way to be successful is to brush off these thoughts and zone back into that conscious breathing to calm the body.  But I have said this once and will say it again, hindsight is 20/20 and if nothing else chalk it down and learn from the experience.  After my minute transition, I was flustered and standing under a route that unlike the first I felt unconfident in, I paddled my way through the holds working my way up one by one, unconscious of my breathing and slightly out of sync with my movement, not as strong as I felt previously.  My performance showed this, I fell lower than I probably should have, but it was an important stepping stone.  No cowboy ever got through a full 8 seconds on a bull without being thrown to the ground at least once, and I had taken my first step in learning about climbing competitively, what an opportunity. 

And as the sun set over the mountains so, did my climbing for the trip.  I didn’t make it to finals; however the trip was far from a failure.  I can’t wait to sit and talk with the kids, show them the pictures I took and talk to them of all of this, the mindset that I have learned is necessary.  From one route to the next depending on your attitude, directly reflects your outcome, this is true for all of life and from now on my attitude will be reflecting the outcome I would like to see. 

Soon I will be back into the Short story, and I am in hopes that you will be back around to check it out…until then may the road rise up to meet you, and the wind always be at your back.

The Rescue…

Lying staring to the sky my back flat on a cold rock, I have only felt this way one other time.  This feeling is one that is hard to describe, it is not one in which I can just give a silly analogy to give you the reader something to go off of.  This feeling is true deflation.   Imagine in an instant you suddenly know your everyday being has suddenly changed, but is it this instant or an accumulation which has climaxed at this moment.  One thing was for certain however, I was in a heap of pain.  The bone had pushed through the skin on impact, as soon as I found my weight back I gave a full assessment finding this and quickly grabbing my leg to shift it back into the skin.

And now at rock bottom, staring into the sky in wonder, everything was suddenly out of my control.  This is a place I rarely find comfort, but this time is different.  Suddenly trapped in a place which is so hard to see how on earth it will end ok, the best thing for me to be was passive accepting and knowing that it will all eventually turn out ok.  True friends hold it down for you here, or in the case of my leg, hold it up to try and control the swelling (THANKS BRENT).  And in that moment the waiting game was on.  As the pain came in waves over the next two hours so did my moods, it is really so interesting how self control can fly off the hinges in some scenarios.

Then they showed up, the good old Fayetteville, WV EMS.  What a bunch these guys are.  If you are unfamiliar the area in which we were climbing this day is about a 20-30 min hike, you have to go down ladders to get to it, and as they showed up it was apparent their trainings did not involve being fit enough to tackle that on the daily.  But suddenly I was felt better just feeling that presence.  They hooked me up with some morphine, set me all up in the little yellow basket, gave me an orange helmet and away we went as they hauled me up Endless Wall.

As I left the beauty once more with my tail between my legs knowing I breached her value with my attitude towards her, this time I was learning my third.  No one can thrive on their own, when we are down, share yourself fully; there is support for us in many different ways.  At the same, we must begin to listen without this you will be just another rambling man lost in his own wake; in order for us fully to benefit from the brilliance of support it goes both ways. 

After they hauled me up, hiked me out, and drove me down the road for the first and hopefully only time in my whole life that I got to ride in a helicopter, even in times like this life has an interesting way of giving us experiences.  Next time I write it will be of the Surgery I hope you enjoyed this Chapter, and I hope you will check in again.

NTVS

Chapter Two

The Day.

I awoke after the standard evening drive westward on 64 that I had become accustom to over the last year since our last chapter took place, it was beautiful that morning 60 and sunny, absolutely perfect.  I of course grabbed a cup of Roger's classic magic weight loss coffee, and worked out the day plans with the crew.  But with the weather as it was we only had one choice, Endless.  I was so stoked; I can still remember the eagerness I felt that morning.  The same feeling you had on Christmas morning when you were five, I knew there was routes to be done that day it was to perfect out not to be that way.  It was weird morning, I knew something was going to happen, but I was never prepared for the actual event.  But isn’t it crazy how we just have some way of knowing, you can feel if something is up, and at the same time you never truly know and sometimes wish you didn't. 

We worked our way down to Kaymoor Slabs, and the anxiousness hit me full force.  Everyone was jumping on warm-ups, and I had a fire burning under my ass that I had to run up something to try to get away from.  I had been on Idol Point Arête once before and got a pretty good beating, but someone once told me, when you feel brave be brave so I gunned for her, looking back bravoiry was not my fuel.  When I got to the top I realized I had made a big mistake, I trusted the Steve Cater guide and was down to one quickdraw, awesome.  But I was sending and feeling good so I went to the anchors with just one draw and no one else climbing the route, I cleaned and lowered.  Looking back, I was getting a little big for my britches and just being way to gun hoe. 

After it all worked out and my head inflation was reaching full capacity, made our way back to the rest of the crew who were slowly working through the slabs.  Oh man, the burning in the pants was back but this time I had a little extra something riding with me after the last route.  There she stood, in all her glory, I was very intrigued she stands out you know, not like any others around she is proud.  All I knew of her was that she was not having it the last time.  I sat for a moment, and thought.  I had to try again; something about her just pulled me in.  I tied in, and took off again.  I wanted to woe her, the pump built as I moved up a little higher with each move I was so foolish to think that I was on my way.   From here it is all a bit of a blur, except for this picture that was captured just moments before.

“Tree”, I can still here Brent saying it.  Then I stopped, not by the rope however, I had landed in a seated position directly on my shin in the tree that stands directly in front of the route in the picture from my last post.  As I worked my way off of the branch I could already feel it, it was broke really broke.  My efforts to be worthy of her had been thwarted again.  Lesson Two, Gorge of the Jungle was defiantly faked, trees are really hard.  No that’s not really lesson two however I wish it were this simple sometimes.  You are never just worthy of anything or anyone.

But for now it is late, and I have a big day ahead, but I am in hopes you will be back soon to read on.

NTVS

Learning through Experience.

Four the next couple of days I will be posting a new short chapter of an Experience that to this day has been very influential on the way I live my life.  But as my last post described, I lost touch with much of this recently, and now I would like to share my reminiscence with you.

The Route

In wake of my preface with my last post, now I feel it is time to tell of the Experience.  This event was one that took place three years ago this November, and took the process of over a full year to completely come together.  But some things are just worth waiting for, and this one is no exception.  In this I formed a relationship with a route that is easily the one I am most proud of.  Last weekend as I sat under this white, orange and black beauty, I was literally awe struck that I had forgotten what she had taught me as it all came rushing back starting with a nervous feeling in my stomach and ending with my fingers sweating.  I had fallen into the old saying “fool me once”, at that point I guess I just had to learn the lesson, but to have forgotten this and be “fooled twice” shame on me, this time I will not forget for it has affected far more than myself.

Pudd's Pretty Dress

The first time I laid eyes on this route was with a good friend of mine Matt Londrey, it was a day that is still in the top five most fun climbing days I have ever had.  Neither of us really understood going climbing outside yet we quickly hiked our way up and down the breath taking Endless Wall of the New River Gorge, picking routes that sounded cool by their description and grade and then going in search of them one by one back and forth up and down Endless, which is called Endless for a good reason.  But we didn’t know any better or did we care, we were stoked, back and for we hiked chasing descriptions and grades, like a freshman in college trying to find the party.  The description read, “Overhanging orange wall. Awesome route!”  We passed it two or three times trying to find it, yes we were still learning how to really use a guide book too.  We flailed then bailed, neither of us able to make it to the top of the route.  And honestly served us right, she was far too beautiful for us to try to talk to.  Later I realized just how inexperienced we were when I later found that sometimes it takes climbing sideways to go upward, literally just a move or two left.  Just like life, running for the anchors sometimes comes with moving horizontally to make forward progress, keeping this in sight is difficult.   Just as the path we must take through life we cannot just gun for the top, but keep our eyes open in search for the line of least resistance, what will keep us on route and moving ahead towards our end goal, our anchors.  Lesson One should have been learned on this day but hindsight is 20-20 I guess J

Little did I know as I walked away from her with my tail between my legs like the beaten dog I deserved to be that this had the potential to be something more.  And in the back of my mind she always stayed.

NTVS

Wanting it is the first step...

Today I had a crazy thought I would love to share.  For some time now I have found myself wanting so many new things out of life, found myself for the first time in my short life looking ahead and trying to get myself set up for the things that I truly want out of life as well as do in life.  This in a way has engulfed my person, to the point that I began to lose touch with the things that at that point right in front of me were so great. 

Does this mean that wanting these things is unjust?   (This is where it gets interesting.)

 Wanting these things is ok; it is how you let it affect your motivations and attitudes that become blurry.  I know the things I want, and continuously found myself feeling very out of touch with being able to get them.  In our fast pace society, were we look for immediate satisfaction it is easy to begin to get frustrated with where you are at now and where you will be tomorrow, in a week and in a month.  This short term mind set was holding me down and drowning me in a pool of Desire.  But still I wanted, and this circle of frustration only built upon its self to a point that I completely lost touch with the knowledge I already possessed to get towards these things.  Losing sight of the fact that the Journey, the Path we ride along, takes us through many different emotions along the way of getting to the things and places we want and desire.  And at the same time not losing touch with appreciating what we already have gained along the way.  In this I mean the things we have accomplished, people we have befriended, people we love, they all play a huge role.  You learn everything from these relationships and owe everything to these relationships. 

And so now with this, what is the toughest part is the Path, the road is never smooth and easy going, things are going to be hard, but what makes a man is the way in which he deals with this along the way.  Keeps in sight what is good, uses what is not to press harder towards where he wants to be and puts a smile on along the way.   

NTVS