Pulling back on, getting it togeather

No matter what a picture showed, with a doctor who only seemed interested in the payment coming from my insurance and not in me as a person or actually getting better and getting back to a “normal life”, I was over it.  Walking began New Years, and that was that.  I am going to stand, I am going to walk with my head up, I am so sick of being a broken man.  Time in and out, we will let things hold us down, let outside variables effect our entire being.  These variables have an effect, like in math and science, but the difference here is we can decide what that effect is.  So without a solid opinion from a medic I decided it was time to get back on.  Get it together kid, time to be tuff.

Getting back on isn’t easy at first, there is almost equally as much battle mentally in pushing to move forward as there is in letting it hold you down.  Your mind often races back to what happened.  Friends and acquaintances alike ask what the deal is with it all, then quickly give their opinion which with respect for them you smile and listen but doing what you feel is best without fail always supersedes this.  And all you know is how you feel and what you want, but pushing to try to get back to it only adds frustration, the circumstances have changed and there is no way to just jump back to what it was.  It takes work and patience let it work out how it will.  Slowly strength in my fingers began to come back.  Slowly movement on the wall began to feel better. 

On a rainy weekend I ventured back to the New, my good friend Hans joined me for this trip that would consist of 2 pitches total for the whole weekend.  I knew the weather was going to be bad, I knew very little climbing would happen; it was all about making peace with the gorge again.  She had not received the respect she had deserved and I was there to give what was due, nothing more.  As I sat at the top of Legacy a super classic of the area I took deep breathes, and looked out at her.  The wind blew hard as the grey clouds over head swirled.  I embraced my small presence within her and found an ease it that.  I had been scared though out the climb, and this would work its way out of my system but only in due time.

Each climb notched became a little easier; every pitch was a small victory.  My stomach lost its knots, and regained butterflies.  But I still could not bring myself to attempt to share myself with her I was still scared.  A route had me by the balls.  I told myself November 1^st she would be mine, the day came and went, it rained she was un-open for even an attempt.  In retrospect this was good, I wasn’t ready and neither was she.  But re-intrigued by her unwillingness to be negotiated with, I was full on reeled in but afraid to tell anyone….

Thank you for reading I am sorry I have been gone for so long, life is busy…but fun…I hope you enjoyed this chapter and look forward to the next.

NTVS    

Back to the Story: Surgery and Recovery

The remainder of the day and its events are all really a bit of a blur now.  When my memory comes to all I know was that I awoke, my father and another were at my side.  And as much as I welcomed the care that came all I could think of was something that was distant, inside I was distraught by this but never dared to express it for fear of hurting feelings.  You should always express yourself fully, holding things back just to keep from hurting someone is at the core, wronging them and yourself everyone deserves more.  I spent 3 days in this room, Numb from the drugs injected through my IV.  Talk about stir crazy; I went from climbing, swimming and bouncing from school to work to the New and just in general being a super active person to the flat of my back in a hospital in West Virginia.  It was almost as if I had been sucker punched, and knocked flat out.  In these 3 days I left the room once in a wheel chair being allowed to look out the window of the hospital because of the fits I had been throwing from being so couped up.  I now understand what it would be like to be a wild animal forced into captivity; let’s just say it is enough to make even the most beautiful being very unattractive on the inside. 

And at the same time I when I was released, even the first breath of “fresh” air felt different, the war within had really just begun.  I had been off morphine for the first time almost 80hrs and the pressure that I had been feeling in my leg had turned to agonizing pain; I have only felt this hurt one other time.  Its funny how this pain really feels, this was almost like because I knew I was getting ready deal with this for a time that at that point was unsure the pain had increased 10 fold.  And as my Dad drove me home, through the Mountains back to the city, the awe of it all began to engulf me.  Due to the severity of my break, and the amount of time that my bone was exposed to the air, I ran an extremely high risk of infection.  My doctors suggested that the couch, bed, and class in a wheel chair should be the only things I do. 

As I arrived back at the house in Richmond, with my crutches, wheelchair and leg full of staples my biggest task each day began crutching blocks to class after I quickly ousted the idea of being in a wheel chair.  The whole thing quickly became a sort of social experiment for me.  People look at you different when you are in a wheel chair, maybe it was just my pride that I was letting get the best of me, but they try to help you even when you don’t need it and give looks of pity, these don’t help the psyche of the individual in the chair I felt like an inferior being and quickly transitioned back to crutches this way at least I could look people in the eye, even if the level of blood flow it created caused throbbing pain.

Every week for a month I went to a doctor who gave me this crazy shot or took a sample making sure that there was no infection inside my leg.  For 4 week I asked “how long do you think I will be on crutches?” how I craved to stand on 2 feet.  Even if I could do this just to take a shower, baths made me feel so childish and needy, however this may have been me taking the small things a little harder than I should have.  One day about 6 weeks in, I got my first peep out of him about recovery, in a deep Middle Eastern Accent “Ze healing it looks good, ze bone its almost reconnected”.  “Can you give me around about when I might be able to walk again?” I quickly responded with the first sign of any good news.  “Noo, it iz to hard to zay”.  Bummed, I headed back down the elevator back to the street corner to await my pick up.  My living situation was improving I was figuring out how to get in and out of my loft bed easier, stairs were a cake walk and I found myself asking for less help form the girls I live with, who were awesome supporters of me throughout all of this.  Just in case any of you are reading, THANK YOU VERY MUCH YOU ALL ARE AWSOME! 

One morning I awoke and needed to bathe, for some reason this morning I was more frustrated and unwilling to give than others, I crawled out of my loft bed ignored my crutches grabbed my towel and painfully limped the 30 feet to the shower.  As I stood and felt the water begin to spritz over my body, it was as if I could finally see myself again as the grime was washing off my body and I was standing in pride.  I finished my shower limped to my room, stood as I dressed and decided today was the day I was going to start climbing again, of course I took precautions I wore my black boot of death (the brace which stunk of dead skin that I had been forced to where from day one when the swelling did not allow them to cast me) and I climbed with only one foot.  By the end of the day I had a new project an orange 10+ at the gym one footed and after not climbing for more than 6 weeks I was stoked.

Two weeks later I went to the doctor again, oh yes my favorite place.  They x-rayed me and I sat and waited, the nurse came in and pulled up my pictures on the screen in the room.  As soon as the door shut behind her I was off the bed and looking at the pictures.  I had high aspirations for my healing, and was looking to get a definite time that I could start physical therapy, and with New Year’s Eve just around the corner I more than ever wanted to stand on 2 feet and kiss the girl who I had fallen so hard for just before my accident.  This was a new experience for me as well, I had gone through the learning of young love before, but this was different from the first time I danced with her I was lost in the island in her eye and unable to understand the feelings between the two of us I wanted nothing more than to hold her hand as we walked together on the eve of the new year, and to stand close and give the cliché first kiss of the new year…….BUT this is all a very different story or is it J.  As I stared at the picture on the screen it was obvious, my shit was still broken.  I could see the rod, the bone growing around it and more distinctively the space between the two pieces that where not quite meeting around the rod.  I had been a broken man walking.

Patience is something I have never embraced well.  And even now with my current situation I work hard to breathe and know that stepping back and waiting for it to heal is a better decision.  Re-asses and plan it out, steer yourself don’t let you emotions win for today this is our Lesson.  So learn from me, time that feels lost isn’t always such, reinvest yourself in reflection in times like these, be patient look over everything, gain a better perception, will it all be ok? Probably but being restless here will only hurt more, and possibly close doors.

 

The Intermission…An Opportunity for a New Experience…SCS Nationals

This past weekend I had the wonderful opportunity to go to the SCS Adult Open Nationals, to climb and compete against people that I have looked up to in climbing for some time now.  Since I racing dirt bikes as a youngster this was the first real competitive thing I have been involved with, and it was one of the most rad experiences I have had a chance to be a part of.  First and Foremost I would like to thank Peak Experiences Indoor Rock Climbing Center, for the last 5 years now this place has been a huge part of my life and they single handedly gave me the chance to be at this event.  Please check them out, Peak Experiences or on Peak's FaceBook Page.....Once you come to this place, your family forever, and that's what makes it so special, THANK YOU GUYS FOR YOUR SUPPORT, I am lucky to be a part of your Family. 

The weekend started with a pretty seamless plane ride half way across the US to Denver where I jumped on a bus to Boulder, Colorado where the event was being held at Movement Climbing and Fitness.   I took a short walk through town to my hotel where after checking in was reminded of just how beautiful of a place this is when I peered out of my hotel window and stood on the balcony.

In the grand scheme of things I haven’t really been climbing for that long, but in the past 5 years I have had a good number of climbing days, in a good number of different areas and gyms.  But this was different; nothing to this point could have prepared me for this first date.  It was like a date with someone you have been around a few times, and have been awestruck by their presence each time, then suddenly somehow find yourself sitting across the table from them, just the two of you.  I walked into Isolation through the back door, chatting with a friend of mine Magnus, who is a seasoned vet with this type of thing and helped easy my nerves as we just chatted awaiting our turns to climb. 

 

This was not my first time in Isolation; I have been coaching Peak’s Team for the last 3+ years and have spent some long days behind the curtains with the kids.  But being on that side of the curtain is a little different when you are walking out to do the climbing, let’s just say that I have a completely new level of respect for these kids now, they are truly tuff cookies to pull it together and preform on the regular YOU GUYS ARE MY NEW INSPIRATION, YOU KILL IT!!  As soon as I walked out I felt as though I was sweating bullets, this was easily the most people I have ever climbed in front of.  I sat in the chair for the first route and started breathing as slow and regular as I possibly could, talking to myself in my mind, relax it just a route all you can do is take it move by move, you’ve done this before.  I stood tied in, pulled my shoes on and felt calm, this conscious breathing was working.  As I worked my way through the first route with each move I became less shaky and even felt myself smile after sticking the small dyno to a huge rest jug.  I shook out looked up and realized that was it, their wasn’t going to be anymore resting till the top.  I did some more moves and pumped off as soon as I fell, I was bummed.  The scorer said as I landed on the pads, “nice job, that’s a really hard route”.  In my mind he was just being really nice, I thought since it was the first route that I would have done a little better, and this is where I let my head get the best of me.  Sitting in the second chair I struggled to find that same breathing pace, but I was having a hard time mentally overcoming what felt was an ill performance.  This was the wrong attitude, with a new task so close at hand the only way to be successful is to brush off these thoughts and zone back into that conscious breathing to calm the body.  But I have said this once and will say it again, hindsight is 20/20 and if nothing else chalk it down and learn from the experience.  After my minute transition, I was flustered and standing under a route that unlike the first I felt unconfident in, I paddled my way through the holds working my way up one by one, unconscious of my breathing and slightly out of sync with my movement, not as strong as I felt previously.  My performance showed this, I fell lower than I probably should have, but it was an important stepping stone.  No cowboy ever got through a full 8 seconds on a bull without being thrown to the ground at least once, and I had taken my first step in learning about climbing competitively, what an opportunity. 

And as the sun set over the mountains so, did my climbing for the trip.  I didn’t make it to finals; however the trip was far from a failure.  I can’t wait to sit and talk with the kids, show them the pictures I took and talk to them of all of this, the mindset that I have learned is necessary.  From one route to the next depending on your attitude, directly reflects your outcome, this is true for all of life and from now on my attitude will be reflecting the outcome I would like to see. 

Soon I will be back into the Short story, and I am in hopes that you will be back around to check it out…until then may the road rise up to meet you, and the wind always be at your back.